There are times in which I feel like my own psycological state is a sort of complicated electronic device for which there is no manual. Things seem to run fine for quite some time and they BAM! things sort of break down or change in a unexpected way.

For example, this week I’m in Brighton, UK at the Flash on the Beach conference and for the first time in a long time I’ve been able to actually attend a good number of sessions. My talk was on the morning of the first day so I knew I would be able to do this and was looking forward to the warm glow of inspiration that accompanies an awesome presentation. Seeing the works of Grant Skinner, Eric Natzke, Robert Hodgin, et al used to always be a great way to get the creative juices flowing.

This time was a bit different. The juices flowed, but on top of them poured a thick slick of self-doubt and self-criticism. Back when I started in this industry I spent probably too much of my time doing just want I wanted and what interested me. I, quite frankly, wasn’t exactly a model employee for my first few employers. I did good work, but I wasn’t exactly the most productive worker.

Today I own my own company and I bust my tail for probably too many hours every week to make it succeed. I write a lot of code and put out a lot of projects that I’m proud of… but very few of they bear the stamp of both my hard work and creativity. Most of the time I’m just implementing others ideas.

When I do come up with some idea independent of client work I start on it but never come close to finishing - the real world gets in the way.

The fact of the matter is that I forgot how to play. The result of which is that I feel disconnected from my own personality - if that makes any sense. I’m still a generally happy person, but I feel the shadow of self-doubt creeping more along the edges every day.

As I try to learn to play again I’m very aware that I must make sure I’m always doing it for the right reason. It’s very easy for me to fall into the trap of doing things so that others will like me. It’s very easy to want to do things for acceptance and use that acceptance as a measure of self worth. But if you start chasing that snake you never stop. I need to play and create for me.